if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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