How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
