I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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