my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
