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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
