I want to have your abortion
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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