So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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