She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i think im in europe. pls send help
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
