I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
