alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found puke in my bra..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The uberlube is also flammable
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
