If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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