I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
