So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Less talking, more tequila
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
