if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm getting married
To pizza
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
