Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
