My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
