somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
