we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
