Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
