R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
