What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
