i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
