I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
