90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
