just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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