Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
