She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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