It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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