just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
