A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I looked at my own cervix.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
