Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
