Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
