I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
