I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
