They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
