I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
