ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
