onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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