I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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