so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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