When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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