The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
