they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
