I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Someone came in the potted fern
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
