im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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