I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
