do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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