Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
