girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
