Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
