My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
