I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
